Two steps forward, eight steps back

For years, something like 17 years maybe, I've had an ulcer on the bottom of my right foot. The result of cutting edge surgery is sometimes unknown since it's cutting edge and all. My lucky result was a persistent and pesky ulcer that comes and goes when it wants to. I've had multiple surgeries and now wear Ankle-Foot Orthotics (ie, gimpish braces as I like to call them). I've also had a bone infection - not something I would recommend.

There have been times when the ulcer has been really bad, so much so that I took a month of medical leave from my job just to try to get a handle on things and heal. When I quit my job in student activities, the ulcer healed within a month. How's that for a sign? So, for the past year and a half, it's been relatively smooth sailing with the foot. I still have to be careful and not walk in a 5k but overall, I've been doing pretty well.

The day after Thanksgiving, I noticed some blood under the skin where the ulcer is. And it wasn't a really small amount of blood. So, when I got back from South Carolina, I put myself in the lovely boot/walking cast, and called the doctor on Monday morning. Tuesday morning I went to see my doctor. She and I were both surprised to find that my foot is worse than it's been in a long time. The ulcer has gotten fairly deep (not like burrowing through the depth of my foot, but deep for a hole in your foot) and without any visible warning. Fantastic. And, now I'm on crutches.

Anyone want to know how difficult it is to be on crutches and live by yourself? It's fairly impossible if you want to do things like, oh, I don't know, cook, wash clothes, take a glass of water to bed, etc. I've been on crutches before and lived by myself, but it was always in a one bedroom apartment - much easier to navigate. A two story house? Not so much. And yes, I know, I could move into the bedroom downstairs, but that's such a PAIN. I'd have to move my clothes. There's no TV in that bedroom. Yes, I am whining.

So, at any rate, I'm "cheating" at home and not using the crutches much. Before you people reading get mad at me for cheating, I've stayed home from work for 2 days so I can stay off of the foot and hopefully jump start the healing process. And I know it will heal, it's just frustrating to be at this point again.

Incognito

Some friends of mine went to a bachelorette party with a twist a few months ago. They had such a great time that they re-created it this past weekend. We have several November birthdays in our group and we decided to wig it up for the celebration. It was absolutely hysterical and we all had such a great time.

Yes, it's definitely going to be a tradition!!

From the mouths of babes

Two and a half year old to me: "Where's Mr. Eddie?"

Mother of two and a half year old & me: "Who? Mr. Terry?"

Two and a half year old: "Yeah. Mr. Terry."

Me: "I think he's probably at his house."

Two and a half year old: "Yeah, he's your man. For ALL the time."

Mother: "Hahahahahahahahahaha. If you want salt poured in your wounds, just come to our house."

Nothing like having a toddler remind you of your failed relationship and how Mr. Terry actually isn't your man for ALL the time anymore!!

Called out

My good friend Sharon made a very astute observation of my blogging subject matter: In just one month, I had two posts about my wonderful ability to procrastinate. I truly have a problem.

One of my co-workers suggested a "life coach" to help me through the dissertation process. Apparently, those folks can help you get things organized in such a way that you actually make progress instead of staring at a semi-blank computer screen praying for divine inspiration in APA 5th edition format.

WHEN I have a full-time job again, I have several priorities for my paycheck: 1. Get out of debt (this includes significant student loan debt, yikes). 2. Get a housekeeper. I am a horrible housekeeper and I'm OK with that, but I do like to have a clean house. 3. Pay someone to spend one week with me going through every little piece of paper I have, including the boxes in the garage that haven't been opened in at least the last 2, if not 3 moves.

I am a pack rat. I come by it honestly, through my father's side of the family. I simply do not know what to do with paper. I keep all kinds of things that are of no use whatsoever because I can't figure out what the heck to do with it. I should take a picture of my desk and post it. But not yet. So, I need help. My good friend Amorette came down a few years ago and we tackled my spare bedroom with great success. Unfortunately, I've had some time to undo all the work we did. Sigh. Amorette would be so sad to see what I've done since she was here.

I really try to not obsess about material things - i.e., my next paycheck and how much (hopefully) having a Ph.D. will influence that amount - but I really do want some extra cash to pay for someone to help me be organized. And so I pay for today's shopping spree here.

And, of course, I'd like to do my part to end world hunger and work for world peace. Wouldn't want to seem to materialistic after I just encouraged everyone to help end world poverty on my last post.

Blog Action Day

According to Cool People Care today is Blog Action Day and bloggers all over are talking about poverty and I feel compelled to do my part.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not big on research (again, WHY am I getting a PhD?) so I'd encourage you to do some of your own research locally on places that are tackling poverty on a daily basis. With the upcoming election, now is the time to figure out what the candidates are saying about poverty and how to deal with it.

And in the meantime, if you want to improve your vocabulary, go to Free Rice, learn some words, and give free rice to those who need it.

Working Under Pressure

Tomorrow is the day when idlers work, and fools reform.

~Edward Young

I am simply amazed at my ability to procrastinate, despite knowing all of the reasons not to. Perhaps going back to grad school for a doctorate wasn't such a good idea. And, when someone asks you what you do well, it is bad that the first thing that comes to mind is your ability to procrastinate?

Funny Motivational Posters

Unsorted Mail

I discovered a blog that is fantastic - Unsorted Mail. Here's my favorite one so far:


Dear Dignity,
Where were you last night? Missed having you around. Don't worry though, Common Sense wasn't able to make it either.
Love,Dee

It would only be funnier if I had written it.

Pirate name

Dread Pirate Bonnie

"Like the famous Dread Pirate Roberts, you have a keen head for how to make a profit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well."

Speaking of pirates - has anyone discovered the Pirate language option on Facebook? It's fantastic. Check it out and then scrawl on my plank, matey!

Procrastination is a bad, bad thing

My amazingly relevant post just went MIA in cyberspace. Ugh.

The short story is that I missed a great show at the Ryman in Nashville last night. There were many INCREDIBLE guests - Allison Krauss, Steve Earle, Robert OMG Plant, Delbert McClinton, Sam Bush, Billy Bob Thornton... the list goes on.

The reason I did not attend? I had to write a paper for class tonight. FYI, said paper was written between noon and 2:30 pm today.

Lesson Number 1 - do not put off what you can do today because tomorrow there may be a really kick ass opportunity and you won't want to miss it.

No regrets

I have this quote posted in my cubicle at work:

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Pray about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason... If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

I think I may need to print it up in a bigger font, on a bright colored sheet of paper and put it in a very prominent place.

That said, I'm going to try to focus on the positive for a little while:

5 things that make me happy:

1. Friends - they check in on me, make me laugh, help me get motivated to study, and care about me in many ways.
2. Being in grad school - maybe not the work but the fact that I'm learning a great deal and on my way to a better career.
3. Canada Dry Ginger Ale - It is the ONLY brand of Ginger Ale!! And it reminds me of my grandmother's house.
4. Memories - I have a lot of good one's from the past two years with TH. We really did some great things together and had a lot of fun.
5. Possibilities - The future is wide open and I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Oh, there's a big football game this weekend and I have divided loyalties. I'll be stressed out for the whole game!!

I don't even know what to say

I find myself wanting to say so much, but not able to articulate anything. A door is closing and I've still got one foot in there trying to keep it open. I'm having a really hard time on the whole moving forward thing and am way too focused on what I should have done differently. When can you look at a relationship and see it in its entirety - the good and the bad - and know that you're in a better place because of and in spite of it?

Be careful what you wish for

Sometimes you get the change you wish for. And then you realize that you're not so sure it's really what you wanted. Yes, it may be what you need in the long run, but definitely not what you wanted. Then you second guess everything you've done, you wonder if the change really is for the best, and you mourn the loss of something that wasn't perfect, but had some pretty good moments. It's like a death of sorts and the grieving sucks.

A Season of Change

They always say time changes things,

but you actually have to change them yourself.

- Andy Warhol

picture stolen from here

Everyone is talking about change in a global sense - the upcoming election, the war in Iraq, the economy. I'm talking about personal change. As in it's time for me to make some changes in my life. Time to stop being afraid of the unknown. Time to stop being afraid even of the known. Time to do something instead of waiting for something to happen. Time to be accountable. Time to not look for the easy way out. Time to realize there is no ledger system in life. The good doesn't always outweigh the bad. But that doesn't mean that you give up on the good. You just work harder for it.

Real Simple is talking about making changes too.

Have I... [gasp] grown up?

Just a follow up on the ex-boyfriend facebook stress: he added me as a friend and sent a nice message. Aside from the initial panic of seeing that he had accepted my friend request, it didn't phase me. There are pictures of him with a woman, but according to facebook he's single. At any rate, none of it really hit me at all. I all of a sudden remembered the reasons we didn't work. I'm glad I found Dave and that I know how he's doing, but I think I'm also glad that he's a part of my dating past, not future. Maybe I am a little bit further along in my grown up life than I thought I was!

Is it wise to open closed doors?

When I was getting my masters degree at the University of Florida, I dated a great guy and fell madly in love. It was that first real love, the one that makes you absolutely, ridiculously giddy. I was so giddy that I feared I was turning into a mushy person. I mean, I was IN love. By IN love, I mean that I was on a roller coaster of a ride with plenty of ups and plenty of downs. It was on and off, in theory, for two years.

The beginning of the relationship was a total storybook romance. He first noticed me at work - I had a graduate assistantship in student activities and he was a student [gasp], but he was 22 and a senior. I noticed him as well and we talked in passing. His name is Dave and I had another Dave in my life from undergrad. I was having surgery on my foot and Pfeiffer Dave (being that he worked at Pfeiffer where I went to college) sent me flowers the week before the surgery. When Dave #2 came by the office one day, I said, "Thanks for the flowers. The card said 'Dave'." Naturally, he was flustered and he said something like "I wish I could take credit for that nice jesture but it really wasn't me." We laughed and joked about it and I explained that I knew the Dave who had sent them to me.

So, I have surgery on that Friday and get a phone call from Dave #2 on Sunday night. He says, "Did you get the flowers I sent you?" Hahaha. Very funny. Do not taunt the poor girl who just went under the knife I say. He says, "No. Seriously, I sent you flowers on Friday." It goes on and on with me not believing him and him saying he's going to the florist first thing in the morning. And then he asks me out. If I hadn't been sedated and on crutches, I would have done back flips! I was so excited!!! And that week I got a ridiculously huge bouquet of flowers. Turns out that my apartment number was E11 and the florist delivered the original bouquet to E1. And yes, I do believe that story.

It was great at first, but we were young and it was my first real relationship. We both had some issues and it ended up that for as good as we were together, we were just as bad together in other ways. When we finally decided to cease communication, I thought I would not recover. I knew that I would, but all I wanted to do at the time was curl in a ball in the corner of my apartment. But, times goes on, life goes on, and you figure out that the person you could never see not being in your future sometimes looks a little better in the past. That was seriously 12 years ago.

The past few years, I've wondered where Dave is and what he's doing. I found a couple of his friends and learned that he was in New York, which was his plan all along. And today I found him on facebook. I'm fairly positive it's him, although his profile is private and there's no picture of him. So, I sent a friend request and said something like, "Is this the Dave I knew at UF?" Great line, huh?

And now I'm faced with the agony of waiting for the request to be accepted. Or it could be rejected. He may very well want to keep me in his past. While I do have delusional thoughts that maybe we would be a good couple if our paths crossed again, in my sane moments, I'd just like to know that he's alive and happy. He was so very important in my life - he showed me that someone could love me, physical flaws and all, and find me attractive. For that I am grateful.

So, if he's married with 5 kids, I'll probably cry, but I'll be OK. It will be losing a little bit of a fantasy, but maybe I'll find my friend again too.

Oh yeah, that picture up there, that's me in my skinny days with Dave.

In Memory

Of Dr. Walter Wright

August 21, 1928 - August 1, 2008

Doctors, obviously, have always been a large part of my life. I was pretty lucky as a child because I always had great doctors - I was never a child who hated going to the doctor. Well, maybe sometimes if shots were going to be involved, but overall, I was not terribly traumatized.

And Dr. Wright is probably one of the reasons I am spoiled when it comes to medical care. I didn't realize until later in life that there are some not so great doctors out there - whether it's their bedside manner or their recommendations for my health care - I've gone to some of those not so great ones. Fortunately, I've had enough good experiences to know when I run into a dud.

Dr. Wright was my orthopedist from pretty much the beginning. He operated on me for the first time when I was four. He only had one other opportunity to operate, but I spent many an afternoon walking the halls of his office. When I was young, I thought you just went to see the doctor to walk. My mother and I would go to see Dr. Wright and he'd come in and say, "Let me see you walk, weiner." [Nice nickname, I know.] So I'd walk. And he'd watch me, take notes, and sometimes get other folks to watch me walk. He always had a smile on his face and seemed to genuinely care about me.

My mother called last night and said, "I have some bad news," which is never a good way for a conversation to start. She told me that she'd seen Dr. Wright's obituary in the paper. It's kind of odd, I haven't seen him in at least 15 years and knew he had retired and had to be old. So, I wasn't really surprised and I was sad, but it didn't phase me too much. He's not a part of my every day life anymore and hasn't been for years. After I talked to my mother, my father got on the phone and told me how sorry he was and how he knew I'd lost a special friend. It took me a second to realize he meant Dr. Wright. And what hit me then is that that's what Dr. Wright was to them. He took good care of me, their youngest, when they didn't know what to do. It's hard to have a child with a physical disability, I have no doubt that my parents were stunned, and it must be the best thing in the world to feel like you've found a good team of doctors to take care of your little one.

As I write this, I am sad about Dr. Wright's death. He was a great doctor and a great man. I wish I'd kept in touch with him. I know he had hundreds of patients, but I think, selfishly, that he would have enjoyed knowing how I turned out and what I've been up to. He was probably more important in my life than I realized, just because I was too young to realize anything other than he was always concerned about me and wanted the best for me.

When I was 14, Dr. Wright did a pretty extensive surgery on my right foot. I remember being wheeled through the pre-op area and whoever was pushing me saw Dr. Wright and said, "Oh, Dr. Wright, do you want to say anything to your patient?" He said, "What patient?" Then acted surprised to see me and he winked at me. He was always good at making me laugh and I know that helped me relax a little before the dreaded surgery. After that surgery, I had a pretty rough time and my foot got infected. Dr. Wright referred me to another doctor for wound care and my mother told me later that they never got one bill from the other doctor. Dr. Wright took care of all of the costs associated with the infection. How many doctors do that? It wasn't his fault and he wasn't responsible for the infection but he wanted to make sure I got the care I needed.

I think it's kind of a sign of the circle of life that I went water skiing this weekend. While Dr. Wright was leaving his life here, a door was opening for me physically. He would have loved it, I know he would have.

Is it really this difficult?

Being that I am a poor graduate student, I went against my better judgment and starting getting my prescriptions filled here. Their slogan is "Save Money. Live Better." So why is it that I always leave the store completely and totally frustrated? Only once have I had a pleasant experience there - the first time I picked up my prescriptions. They sucked me in with cheap prices and what seemed to be satisfactory service. It was clearly a fluke day for them. Since then, there has always been a problem with at least one of my prescriptions. Have they ever called to say, "I'm so sorry, the prescription that we told you would be ready at noon on Monday probably won't be ready until 2010?" No phone calls, no warnings, and no sympathy when I show up and my prescription isn't ready.

Today, I went to pick up my prescription, which clearly said on the bottle that I had refills. Apparently I don't have refills. So, I wasted 45 minutes going to a store that I can't stand and had yet another frustrating experience. I'm switching my prescriptions to one of my favorite places to shop. If I have a problem there, at least I can enjoy browsing the aisles.

Something is wrong with the world

How can this happen? From the newspaper:

Knoxville police this afternoon charged a 58-year-old Powell man with one court of first-degree murder in this morning's shooting at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church.
Jim D. Adkisson is being held on a $1 million bond at the Knox County Detention Center.
He is accused of opening fire during a children's play, shooting eight people with a shotgun, killing one, according to Knoxville Police Chief Sterling P. Owen IV.
Seven of the wounded were taken to the University of Tennessee Medical Center, according to spokeswoman Becky Thompson.
Earlier today, five were listed in critical condition; one was listed as serious. Another was treated and released.
All were adults: four women and three men.
Another victim was trampled and was treated and released at a hospital, Knoxville Police Chief Sterling P. Owen IV said during a press conference this afternoon.

The irony, in spite of the tragedy of this whole thing, is that the Unitarians are the most accepting, non-violent kind of folks. Unitarians are the ones who believe in freedom of religious expression, the dignity of each human being, and tolerance. Why would anyone want to open fire at this church? Or anywhere for that matter?

Gym, Day Two

It takes 21 days to make or break a habit so the next 19 are going to be make or break for me. Yes, I did make it to the gym on Day Two - and I went swimming. The sky was clear so I opted for the outdoor pool (which was a little cooler than expected, but not too bad once I swam a lap). The pool is an Olympic sized one, but the lanes are marked off by the width, not the length of the pool. My original goal was to do 10 laps, then I backed off to 5. When I got in the pool, I thought 7 laps would be a good goal. Lucky for me, the rain coincided with the end of lap 5 and the feeling that I might drown if I attempted to swim another lap.

So I'm off to a decent start with exercising, but not so decent on the food aspect. I was starving when I got home after swimming and decided on an early dinner at a Japanese Steakhouse. I didn't eat as much as I normally do, but it still probably wasn't the best option for getting healthy!

I'm skipping the gym today and opting for a 30 minute ride on my stationery bike at home. I am making progress.

Quote of the day

I am a tangent waiting to happen.

Gym, Day One

As I tire of relentlessly beating myself up for having gained weight (weight which has been with me for 10 years now), I took a proactive step today and went to the gym. My original plan was to go to a 30 minute "All About Abs" class, but then I remember that 10 years ago, I somewhat regularly went to a 15 minute abs class that consistently kicked my butt. Or my gut. And I thought, wow, this class is 30 minutes, that's twice the gut kicking I used to get when I worked out on a semi-regular basis. So, I did a little cardio and a little arms/legs stuff on the machines. I may attempt the Abs class on week 2 of the gym.

The workout ended well, but started a bit bumpy. I left my water bottle in the car. No problem, I'll just frequent the water fountain and check out the 19 year old hottie boys. Before I got on the bike, I got my ipod shuffle out of my bag. I was so impressed that I actually remembered it!! Alas, I did not remember to charge it. No tunes for me, but I did get in some good people watching and hopefully, some even better calorie burning!

Part two of the getting fit plan is to actually read the Weight Watchers emails I get. I mean, I pay a monthly fee for them, perhaps I should read and ACT on them. Yes, that's right. I pay a monthly fee for information that would help me get back to my fightin' weight but I don't actually pay attention to the emails (or my eating habits). I might as well just toss some money in the garbage each month. Some days I think there may be no hope for me.

But today, I actually made some progress - at the gym and with my to-do list.

And, I have a new tool for bribing myself on the dissertation... When Chapter One is in my professor's grubby little hands, I'm going to treat myself to this toy:

Babies and other ramblings...

A few of my friends have been busy lately - having babies!! Both of these little ones were due to arrive on my birthday, but neither cooperated. :(

Meet Lizzie - who arrived first, but still a week after my birthday!

And here's Inman - who came TWO weeks after his due date!

These two little ones are VERY lucky to have such amazing parents. They live a couple of hours away so I haven't met either of them yet, but I will SOON! I'm so excited to see Lizzie and Inman grow up and to see their parents as parents!!

In other news, I went to the store yesterday and got some school supplies to bribe myself to get organized and motivated to work on my dissertation. Hopefully, the bribe will work.

I had lunch with my friend Lori yesterday and she's lost 20 pounds. She has a workout buddy and she said that he was surprised with her success. She asked him if he questioned her motivation and he said that even though he didn't know her well when they started working out together, he knew that she was a very determined person. He just wasn't sure that working out would be something that she was determined about.

And now back to the need for the school supplies. I think the above description of Lori fits me too... I am a very determined person but I'm very selective about what gets the focus of my determination. So far, the dissertation has not made the short list! So, my goal for the day is to fill my new notebook with all things dissertation, get my desk cleaned off, and find a planner that suits my non Type A lifestyle. Any suggestions for a planner would be welcomed!

A new commitment...

...to blogging. I have to admit that I am a closet blog stalker. Not closeted anymore though, I've made my confession. I love reading about my friends and their lives and then reading about who they follow as well. And as I'm laughing out loud at what they are writing about or thinking about all of emotions they are going through, I think, Hey, I can do that too. I mean, I'm funny (at least I think I am some 17% of the time to quote my friend Deb) and I go through stuff in life that I can write about. I'm certainly more prone to write about it than actually talk about it. Of course, I don't know that I want to actually tell anyone that I'm blogging. I mean, I want people to read (I think), but I don't want to be all "Did I tell you I have a blog?" It's just a little too "all about me" for me. So, we'll see how this goes and if I break down and tell anyone.

Meeting David Wilson

There's a great documentary on MSNBC Meeting David Wilson. David A. Wilson, a young African American man, traces the roots of his family back to slavery in North Carolina. David A. Wilson finds a descendant of the family that owned his family. The descendant's name just happens to be David B. Wilson. David A. calls David B. and says, "Hey, my name is David Wilson and I think your family owned my family."

The film follows David A.'s journey to North Carolina to meet older family members, meet David B. and see the plantation where his family lived and worked. It's a pretty powerful film - but it is one of hope. Of leaving bitterness and anger behind. Of honoring the past and the struggles from the past while working to overcome the struggles of today.

I am currently in graduate school. In one of my classes, we talk a lot about race. And it's not always positive; in fact, most of the times, it is painful. Some minorities in the class are angry and seem to be stuck in that anger and bitterness. Rarely are we able to have a conversation that doesn't make me feel like an evil white person. While I am not a racial minority, I do identify with an aspect of the struggles. I have a physical disability that leaves me walking with a significant limp. I may not know what it is like to be an African American, but I know what it is like to be judged because of a physical characteristic.

It sucks. One of my classmates stated that he has very few African American role models in prominent positions. I started thinking about how many role models I had with a similar physical disability. None. I've never had a teacher, a boss, a co-worker, or even a fellow student with a similar disability. And it has never made the think that there is something I can't do. My disability is a large part of me, it has shaped who I am, but it has also given me a determination to succeed - to prove people wrong. David A. Wilson said something about how to think of ourselves as victims belittles the determination, courage, and strength of those who have gone before us. I'd like to apply that another way. To think of myself as a victim belittles what I have accomplished.

I know that it is impossible to know what someone else's struggle is like if you have not experienced it yourself. And I know that a physical disability is far different from being a racial minority, but I hope for my classmates and for others who struggle because of prejudices and injustices, I hope that we can move from being victims to standing together in spite of ignorance and our histories, and overcome the struggles of today.

ABC's

1. A is for age:34
2. B is for beer of choice: Miller Lite or Harpoon's UFO
3. C is for candy? most things chocolate and peanut butter
4.D is for your dog's name? if I had one, it would be something from SC - Cooper (Cooper River Bridge) or Rimini (stolen from my cousin's dog)
5. E is for essential item you use every: toothbrush
6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment: tie between Boston Legal and Grey's Anatomy
7. G is for favorite game: Wii
8. H is for Home town: Columbia, SC
9. I is for instruments you play: none very well, but piano and guitar some
10. J is for favorite juice: cran-grape
11. K is for whose ass you'd like to kick: my stupid professor's
12. L is for last place you ate: in my cubicle at work
13. M is for marriage: something other people do
14. N is for your favorite nickname: Chicken Licken, Eeds
15. O is for overnight hospital stays: too many
16. P is for people you were with today: Terry, a few people at work, Dave after work
17. Q is for quote: Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. – Charlie Brown
18. R is for Biggest Regret: getting a credit card
19. S is for status: complicated
20. T is for time you woke up today: 1st time - 7:30; second time 8:15
21. U is for underwear you have on now: blue I think
22. V is for vegetable you love: butter beans
23. W is for worst habit: picking at cuticles til they bleed! and procrastinating
24. X is for x-rays you've had: A lot!
25. Y is for yummy food you ate today? bagel with peanut butter
26. Z is for zodiac sign: cancer